im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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