it was like eating out sand paper
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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