the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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