I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
