So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
