I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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