The maid of honor just puked.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
