i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
