Your face is a jimmy john
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
