So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
