and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
