Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
