Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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