No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
