I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
