Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
where does the pee come out of this thing
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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