My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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