I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
