This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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