I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
