i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize