ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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