I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
