Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
