So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
