textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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