direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
