sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
