I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
