im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
