I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
