I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
