i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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