I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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