when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
