I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I believe in your delicious
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
