Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
