I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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