I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
