no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
