Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
