She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
