i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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