ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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