I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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