I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
