i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
There are leaves in my underwear?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
