Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
