We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
