i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
