Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
