Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize