I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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