I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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