i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
