Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
