my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
