i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
