I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
