Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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